Dont worry about it, its ok to feel like that. Stop taking the meds, and move on without them, when did humans become so dependant on things like meds... You dont need them. The only thing you need is a clear, logical mind that at the minute you dont have. Picture your self in a few years when things in your life really start to take matter, wife, kids etc, picture the callum from 2-4 years ago looking at what u r doing now. They would both feel your being crazy. The callum everyone knows is a smart guy and at the minute your not being that person. I know she made you feel better but it was doomed from the start, as soon as she was going to uni it was never going to work, and relationships do come and go, you certainly dont need meds to help, you just need time, a straight forward thinking mind and friends. If you like, I can take all the pills tomoz from u. Its time to man up and take it on the chin. You did tell me about your dad and convo with your mum, it shows how strong he was to keep it for that long without giving up, and even stronger for not telling and trying to live a nicer life, you should admire that and think nothing but good which im sure you do. She shouldnt have been the person that "fixed" your heart because that would always only be temp, you can now move on from her completely and start fresh, a new chapter, the new coach! Make the changes you need to make and just take the time to realise what you are doing. Take it easy dude

I owe him more than he could know. Hes always been there to help me when Ive needed it.
Thanks Steve

I dont know what else to say anymore, I dont know what else to think anymore, and I dont know what else to feel anymore.

This year has been an utter disaster.

I can only hope that next year brings better times.

Otherwise im in trouble.

People die, n parents die before their children most of the time weve all gota experience it n im fucking shitting it but uv still got ur mum and a lovely family which some ppl dont have, n break ups iv told u a load of other girls are gona break ur heart before u find the right one its just life, ur being so negative and defeatest but the fact is u jus have to deal with it!! its shit SO shit but theres nothing else u can do

its shit whats happened but its just life and uve jus gota keep plodding on and celebrating the good stuff. u can say ooo this has happened to me n i cant do this n i cant do that but the truth is that you can, its all in ur control whether u chose to sit and dwell on things or man up and take them in ur stride

 

ITS ALL IN UR CONTROL!

 

Now im sorry if u think im bein harsh but u no i love u, u jus need a clip around the ear, noone wants to be with a misery guts so sort it out and stop wasting ur time and ur life stewing over things that are negative and that u can do nothing about and turn it around and start doin things which make u feel good about urself and get some better perspective xxx

Thanks Dana.

Nightmares, cant seem to stop getting them everynight.

Or when I wake up in the morning and fall back asleep thats when they are more memorable.

Why do I keep getting them so often, as if im not stressed out enough but even when I sleep which is the one place where I can go to relax and just forget about things for a few hours, nope all my problems somehow manifest themselves into an alternate reality whilst im dreaming and turn into a nightmare.

They could possibly be a side effect of the anti depressants...or I could just be mental.

And they are only ever about 2 things, or should I say 2 people.

Recently

Merry christmas.

This is my first christmas without my Dad. Its going to be an odd day, but then again it already is as I havent slept, its 4:46am and ive just gotten home.

Tonight has been an odd night indeed, I have realized that im more like you then I ever was before in my life Dad. I have lived life the way you did over the last few months and it has changed my perceptions permenantly.

I really dont look at life the same anymore, I dont know if thats a good or bad thing.

The initial shock of your death was instant, I never even thought about it for months because I knew that if I let it sink in then I would be in trouble. But its what I should have done from the start, I didnt think, my mind was just doing what it had to do to protect me from going overboard....

Little did I know that it would all hit me at the worst possible time....

Having spent a short while off to recover from the shock of your death I went straight back into my studies and managed to pass my first year of university.

Then I went on to have one of the most memorable summers of my life. I had so many good times with friends that I never really thought about it all.

And I met her, who really made me feel valued as a person. And I wanted her to feel the same way she made me feel. But maybe that wasnt what she wanted, I feel that may have scared her away slightly.

It was after the summer had finished, that I started to get hit by the reality that you were really gone. And it was hard, it hurt unbelievably. Then I started to let things slip in my life.

I felt numb, I just didnt know what to think, id spent all those months having such a good time forgetting all about my worries only for it all to hit me like a tidal wave at that time. I just didnt know how to think about it, how to feel about it. It was like nothing id ever felt before, such emptiness. I had to relive all the good memories I had of you just to think at the end that ill never see you again. Its so painful.

Only at that time the person who once made me feel more valued than I ever felt started to drift off. So when I finally went to see her things werent the same, I feel she had realized that she had made a mistake, that she wanted to start a new life without any prior responsibilities from home hanging on causing pressure. And so things were never the same again.

I left that place confused and hurt. I got back home to see one of my best friends before she left to start a new life also in a new place. I spent alot of time talking to her about everything that had happened and she had alot of advice to give.

Then I got home, where things would take another unexpected turn. I spoke with my mum about things, then we got to speaking about you. Then she told me the whole truth. That you were in fact diagnosed as having terminal cancer right from the start.  That all the chemo and radiotherapy treatment you had were just to delay the inevitable. You werent expected to make it a few months, but you made it for almost a year and a half. That because you were the strongest person I knew.

But having been told this, so many thoughts ran through my head at that time. But all I felt was anger, sadness, and above all regret. Regret that had I known this from the start I could have made more of an effort with you, to really let you know how important you were to me, how much I admired and looked up to you, how you were my hero. That you made me the person I am today, and how much I loved you.

I know you didnt want me or Rory to know because it would have upset you, and that you wanted us to act normal around you.

But after all that time, seeing you in and out of hospital, seeing you waste away all in the meantime thinking yeah your gonna beat this no problem. Only to feel like id been lied to, I could have spent so much time with you getting to know you more and showing you that I had grown up and matured as a person. I could have got to known you as the adult I am today.

But I never did.

And all of this to happen the night I return home broken inside from seeing her.

It was too much to take. I couldnt handle all of it, and it drove me mad.

So then I started on the anti-depressants. And they just make you feel awful at first. the first few weeks make you feel a whole lot worse that you already feel, some cure eh...

After the first month I was tired of feeling so bad. I told the doctors that they werent working so they told me it takes about 6 weeks for them to take effect. So im thinking why give me a months worth then...

So now ive just about finished my second month. and nope dont feel much different, some days are slightly better than others. But not many.

Why did all of this have to happen, I lost you, I was confused, I met her, things seemed to be good again, the realization of your passing began to sink in I was down, I went to see her for her to tell me she basically didnt want me anymore, I was hurt and more confused than ever. I get home to find out all that ive just explained.

Its fucking hard to deal with all that at once. And I dont think I dealt with it well, I really dont. But then ive realized that the ways ive been trying to deal with all of this, are ways that you would have too, and I dont feel as bad for that.

Because ive always wanted to live life the way you did.

I'll always love you Dad, you were the greatest, Hope you have a good Christmas wherever you are.

The mysterious abyss tis the gift of the Godess

In pursuit of this gift we take flight

Within the hearts watered surface

A hopeless wander will flow

Like ripples to waves

Come forth the dreams below

I miss you Dad.

I just cant get used to life without you, everything is so different now.

I wish I could just spend one more day with you, and tell you how much you meant to me.

Why did this have to happen.

You did nothing to deserve getting that damn disease, life just isnt fair.

There are times when I just think it would have been better if id gone instead of you.

You made life better for everyone around you.

I just cant seem to do anything right.

I need your guidance, I need that confidence that you used to give me.

I just cant seem to find it anymore.

I know I have to do things for myself, but I just cant get my head around it all.

Jimi Hendrix

Purple haze all in my brain
Lately things just don't seem the same
Actin' funny, but I don't know why
'Scuse me while I kiss the sky
Don't know if I'm comin' up or down
Am I happy or in misery?
Whatever it is, that girl put a spell on me

Help me help me
Oh no no... no

Yeah
Purple haze all in my eyes
Don't know if it's day or night
You've got me blowin, blowin my mind
Is it tomorrow or just the end of time?

No, help me aw yeah! oh no no oh help me...

The man was a genius.

Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess

We seek it thus, and take it to the sky

Ripples form on the waters surface

The wandering soul knows no rest

The tale of the Crimson Pig

It was the last summer of the great war.
We were flying over the Adriatic on a routine surveillance patrol heading towards Istria.
My good friend Berlini was right beside me, he had just got married to my friend Gina, and I was his best man.

But war called so we had to go back into battle right after the ceremony.
Suddenly we were in the middle of the worst dog fight of my life.
Friends and enemies were falling all around me like flies.
I had three planes trying to chase me down, and all I thought about was myself.

Soon I realized I was the only one left from my unit, but the enemy never let up
I flew my guts out trying to get away, my hands and feet went numb.
I could feel myself starting to black out. I was sure I was going to die.
Then suddenly, everything around me turned white.

It was the strangest thing id ever seen, the light was so pure.
I figured I must be in Heaven, then I realized I had just flown into a cloud.
I was so exhausted I couldnt hold onto the stick to fly my plane, but the plane just kept on flying.

The plane then took me above the cloud and into the sky.
It was perfectly quiet, and the sky was beautiful.
Then, I saw this strange band of white high above me.

Enemy aircraft appeared from beneath me and flew past towards the white band.
I saw Berlini and called out to him, but he ignored me.
Then I saw that the white band was in fact thousands of lost planes flying together.

My plane then began to descend back into the cloud, and I blacked out.
When I came to, I was skimming just above the sea. And had been transformed into a pig.
And now I was all alone.

The good guys were the ones who died.
Or maybe im dead and life as a pig, is the same thing as hell.

The readiness is all

Watching the beach again

When you develop an infatuation for someone, you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you.

It doesn't need to be a good reason.

Taking photographs of the night sky for example, now in the long run thats just the kind of dumb irritating habit that will cause you to split up.

But in the haze of infatuation, its just what you've been searching for all these years.

Slowly

Over the last few months I have slowly been getting my life back on track.

I've been taking time to slowly to let things fall into place, I have been spending my time talking more than I ever used to. Finding that the bonds with those closest to me are growing stronger each day.

My friends, just the other night I was sitting at home just watching time fly by when they all decided to show up at my house and we spent the night just having a good laugh about things. Something I was not expecting.

We sat around talking about our lives and all the good times that we've all had over the years and how much things have changed. Changed for the better.

Things at home are getting better, I get on alot better with my Mum now that we finally spoke about everything that happened this year.

I also get on with my brother alot better too, on the night we were at a party celebrating my Dads birthday he had been drinking and broke down into tears in front of me, saying how much he missed him. I just held him and told him how proud that Dad was seeing him grow up and start a family.

I obviously still find it hard to get used to life without him around. But at the same time I've begun my journey towards moving on from it.

I know that it is going to take time but at least now im on the right path.

Things at uni are going well, the second year is proving to be harder than the first but im ready for the tasks ahead. I know that I can work hard when it matters, I proved that last year by working twice as hard to do all my assignments after I had spent so much time off after he passed away. I passed the first year with a decent grade and know I can do more. I just have to concentrate on myself more.

This year has certainly been life changing. It has made me see that there is so much out there that are still unknown to me and im yet to experience.

But at the same time I know that its more important for me to honest myself, and to follow my own choices.

Basketball

Basketball.

A sport I have been familiar with my entire life.

I first started to play it when I was eleven years old.

However when I reached secondary school I played it a lot less for the next few years. And in those few years I began to put on an extraordinary amount of weight.

When I reached fourteen I had become very unhealthy and lazy. I was extremely unfit and didnt have much interest in doing anything about it.

On one saturday afternoon I was at home and my Dad came home from the pub

His saturdays were simple, he woke up early and cooked breakfast for everyone. Read the papers while watching soccer AM, me and rory would always watch it with him. He'd then get ready to go to the pub with his friends and be out the house for 12.

He would then come home at about 5-6 and eat some dinner. Most of the time I would be in so id eat with him and watch a film and have abit of a talk with him.

However this saturday he came in and said he wanted to talk to me. He was always more honest when he'd been drinking. He said to me that he'd noticed how much weight id put on and that I need to start dieting. I remember being upset but at the same time I knew it all too well that I was overweight and needed to start doing something about it.

So then I decided to start playing basketball again at school, a lot of my friends played at break and lunch times so I started to play with them.

Once I started playing again I started to realize that I really enjoyed playing because it was so fun. It was exciting to actually be doing something with my time that I could focus my efforts on. I played everyday at school and then I would start playing after school everyday as well as everyone else. I would play on weekends all day saturday and sunday.

And within a year I had lost most of the weight without even realizing it. Starting to play basketball again had saved me from an unhealthy lazy lifestyle and it gave me a lot of confidence as well in getting out in the world and doing things with my time.

By the end of secondary school we had a solid group of people who played everyday and we always used to hang out in out free time. And we all stayed at school to start 6th form, and then we became the schools team and every week we would go to different school to play other teams. We always had a good time playing and everyone was always laughing about it.

Ever since then I have played basketball every chance that I get, I love playing it, its been a huge part of my life for the past 8 years and my greatest pass time. Its almost like therapy in a way, anytime im stressed out or upset about something I can always find solace in going to play basketball. I just forget about myself and immerse myself in playing for a few hours, and afterwards I feel much better and can think with a straight head again.

Playing basketball for so many years really got me interested in fitness and exercise. I thought why not try and do something with my life that revolves around it because I enjoyed it so much. And so when I was 19 I went to Cornwall college to get my diploma in sports fitness and coaching. And for 2 years I got to play basketball everyday whilst learning more about fitness and exercise, and I made some great friends there.

I'm now 22 years old and im in my second year of university studying sports health and fitness. I'm playing basketball now more than ever, I cant get enough of it, I had training tonight for 2 hours where I just get to let lose and play great games against my friends and have a good laugh at the same time. Then I come home drained, but at the same time really happy.

I cant imagine how my life would have turned out had I not started to play basketball.

Mad Man Moon

Was it summer when the river ran dry,
Or was it just another dam.
When the evil of a snowflake in June
Could still be a source of relief.
O how I love you, I once cried long ago,
But I was the one who decided to go.
To search beyond the final crest,
Though I'd heard it said just birds could dwell so high.

So I pretended to have wings for my arms
And took off in the air.
I flew to places which the clouds never see,
Too close to the deserts of sand,
Where a thousand mirages, the shepherds of lies
Forced me to land and take a disguise.
I would welcome a horse's kick to send me back
If I could find a horse not made of sand.

If this desert's all they'll ever be
Then tell me what becomes of me.
A fall of rain?
That must have been another of your dreams,
A dream of mad man moon.

Hey man,
I'm the sand man.
And boy have I news for you;
They're gonna throw you in gaol
And you know they can't fail
'Cos sand is thicker than blood.
But a prison in sand
Is a haven in hell,
For a goal can give you a goal
And a goal can find you a role
On a muddy pitch in Newcastle,
Where it rains so much
You can't wait for a touch
Of sun and sand, sun and sand...

Within the valley of shadowless death
They pray for thunderclouds and rain,
But to the multitude who stand in the rain
Heaven is where the sun shines.
The grass will be greener till the stems turn to brown
And thoughts will fly higher till the earth brings them down.
Forever caught in desert lands one has to learn
To disbelieve the sea.

If this desert's all they'll ever be
Then tell me what becomes of me.
A fall of rain?
That must have been another of your dreams

A dream of mad man moon.

Your star will shine again one day
Through deep blue velvet skies
Shine for all the world to see
The universe in your eyes

When the storm outside is raging
And the dogs they howl your name
Lay down and sleep , i’ll kiss you
You’re star will shine again

Hush my darling, don’t you cry
I’ll stay by your side until morning
All through the night i’ll watch the skies

And your distant sun
Will shine like the gun
That’s trained
Right between your daddy’s eyes

Look too hard for one thing

You will miss everything else

And then

The people around you get hurt in the process

The sun goes down

There is a demon among us, whose soul belongs in hell
Sent here to redeem us, she knows it all too well
He comes and goes, he comes and goes, she knows it all too well
But when all is said and done
The sun goes down

She tries her best to leave him, but she is still captured by his spell
She knows now she must deceive him, he knows it all too well
She comes and goes, she comes and goes, he knows it all too well
But when all is said and done
The sun goes down

She comes and goes, she comes and goes, he knows it all too well
But when all is said and done
The sun goes down

There is a demon within us
The sun goes down
She tries her best to deceive him
The sun goes down

Sleepwalking

I can wriggle out of arrangements
You can't pin me down
I tend to dodge engagements
I'll see you around
Am I ok
Not really, no
I seem to stop and start,

Anything I can do let me know
I think I'll sleepwalk out of my heart
Sleepwalk in the daytime
Access to all fours
Sleepwalk in a straight line
Leading out of the door

Shop through city on a world of eyes
Marvelously dead
These friends of mine need exercise
They sleepwalk instead

No guardian angle intercepts the
Sleepwalkin' kid
Who sleepwalks the fractured steps
To the sleepwalking skids

The way the private eye goes
About his ancient art
I can do it with me eyes closed
Sleepwalk out of my heart

Stop, look, listen to the zombie
The hoochie coochie blues
Black slacks and a crombie
Gucci shoes

A psycho stud and his steady girl
Are heading right this way
When all the footsteps in the world
Sleepwalk away

A victim of ambition
Loitering with intent
The human condition
But who knows what percent

Goodbye from me till now
I never really care
Sleepwalk anyhow
Anywhere

Sleepwalk, talk
Faster and faster
One of these talking birds
Sleepwalk away from disasters
Like they never occurred

Too much devotion
Keeps me apart
Sleepwalk in slow motion
Out of my heart

In the creepy zilch of subways
The sub pedestrian plod
Sleepwalk on Sunday
Beneath the domes of God

Such a hazardous pastime
I'm gonna be smart
Sleepwalk for the last time
Out of my heart

Sleepwalk on duty
See myself in a pool
A sleepwalking cutie
Sleepwalking fool

Stuck in the afternoon
They do go on
When normal service is resumed
I'll be sleepwalking young

John Cooper Clarke

Beyond the path without you
Is a forgotten promise to keep

We may have walked side by side
But now we go back to back

And though our paths may not cross
All paths are connected somewhere

When I arrive where you are
We may not appear to be as we once were

But we'll make another promise to keep

"Ive been having these weird thoughts lately...Like is any of this for real...or not?"


An amusing quote

Sometimes its easy to forget about the reality of your surroundings.

As of recently the outlook on my perceptions has become greater.

Which reminded my of this quote, it made me begin to wonder about these newly formed perceptions.

Alot has happened recently. Things that would have driven me to the breaking point.

But instead have made me realize that the trust in those closest to me can help me obtain a more positive outlook on life.

And although I've lost my Father, my biggest inspiration. I never lost what I have learned from him, all the good memories of him. I realized that I was lucky to have him in my life for 21 years. And its futile to live in the past.

He will always be in my heart and its time to move on and live my life the way he wants me to.

I over think too much

I'm an idiot

What is wrong with me

Why cant I just have abit of patience

I tried to assure her of my understanding yesterday

And then I got impatient today

I'm so stupid

8 months today

Last weekend I was feeling quite down.

These last few days ive been feeling even worse...

Sundays now seem to be a family day,  the idea's good and I enjoy spending time with my family. But at the same time they make me feel awful...
As nice as they seem...the entire time I just cant stop thinking that theres something missing...

And whats missing of course is my Dad. The head of our family
We are never going to be a complete family again now that hes gone. And thats all I think whenever the family is together, I feel horrible for thinking that but its just how I feel about it....

I cant stop thinking about him...I just get more upset with each thought about him...all the happy memories I have of him instantly make me realize im never going to have anymore of them...

He's really gone...I still cant believe it

It was 8 months ago tonight that it happened...

A day ill never forget.

Went up to the hospice to see him in the morning, he had slept well that night Mum said. I spent the whole day there with everyone, in the afternoon 3 of his best friends came to see him.

I then remember sitting with him just for abit it was just me and him...river cottage was on the t.v which was something we always used to watch together, he didnt realize it was on...he could barely see, his eyes were so glazed you could see his pupils anymore.

He couldnt hear well now either...so I remember shouting to him that river cottage was on...he then looked at me and nodded...

I always used to sit and watch t.v with him in the evenings for as long as I can remember, just because I admired him more than anyone I just wanted to sit with him and be around him. I used to watch alot of cookery programmes with him because cooking was one of his favorite things, and he was an amazing cook there wasnt one thing he didnt know how to make. He always liked watching the discovery channel, he would always watch things like globe trekker, blue planet, and anything else they had going, he liked to watch and learn about the world. Those are the things id watch on a sunday with him in the morning or just after dinner. Then I would go out and he would go and sleep for abit. And when id come home he would be downstairs again he would always be there and he'd always say Alright Son.
Im never going to hear him say that again.

But now he was on the way out and he didnt even know what was on the t.v, I just didnt know what to say to him I was so scared...

I just cant stop regretting not saying something more to him...that was the last moment I had with him just the two of us....there were so many things that I wanted to say but I panicked...I just couldnt comprehend the whole situation...that he was in this place to pass on...to die.

Later that afternoon I was sitting in the room with him and a few others. He wanted to get up to go the toilet but he had a tube for that so he didnt have to get up. He didnt realize this and kept trying to get up we all kept telling him he didnt need to move.

Then he just said...for fucks sake

It was something he used to say alot, whenever he'd get annoyed that would be the first thing he'd say...and it was also the last thing I ever heard him say....

Not long after that I was going back home with my brother and my uncle. I remember saying ill see you soon Dad before I left and kissed him on the head as I left.

That was the last time I got to see him while he was still in a conscious state...

After we got home for abit, we got the phonecall saying this is it we need to get back up there now....

When we got there, there he was lying there breathing so heavily. Eyes closed. My Mum by his side holding his hand tears rolling down her eyes...there was another seat so I sat down and held his other hand...the doctors said he had been given a large dose of morphine...each breath he took was slower than the last....you could hear gargling as he was breathing...like he was slowly drowning....and there was nothing else that I could do...that anyone of us could do...but just sit with him and wait for him to go...

I kept saying to him. please let go...you dont need to hold on any longer

I let my brother Simon take my seat after id sat with him for a while. He was in tears sitting there holding his hand...I never cried in front of my Dad about his illness. I wanted to stay strong for him.

I sat in the waiting room for a while...because I knew that he was going and second.....

I should have sat there with him until the end....I feel so pathetic

I was so scared I didnt know what to do...I couldnt face it...seeing him die...I just couldnt do it

I was only out of the room for a minute...then my uncle walked in and just said...hes gone and he broke down as he said it...that was it then everything id held back in front of my Dad just came flooding out....

That was it...my Dad. My idol. My hero. My role model. Was gone...

I went in there to see him one more time....

Ill never forget it...I walked in and he was just lying there...eyes rolled up....I was actually looking at my Dad after he had passed away...I couldn't comprehend it....I was so numb............

I looked at him
I told him I loved him and that he was my hero
And then I kissed him on the head

I walked out...and that was the last I ever saw of the greatest person in my life...

Born in your tiny prison cell
A million times smaller than you are
One single drop and you're risen up
Afraid of the dark

You crack up through the pavement
In super, super slow-motion
Though your back is gently breaking
You reach for the light

We can see everything
We can hear everything

Weakness is not your weakness

You are what you grow in to
You're not what you were

The last few days

These last few days, have been abit up and down

Some days. I just cant keep my composure, I get too carried away in my thoughts and I dont quite come out the same.

The night of Febuary 2nd
The night my Dad passed away.

Its been 7 months and 24 days since.

That entire night
That entire day
That entire week
That entire month
That entire year

Are still running through my head every day and night

I might be getting better at thinking of it less in the day, but come night it all comes flooding back.
In a flash my heart gets heavy and my eyes start burning...

I just cant believe it

He's really gone

My mind still cant comprehend it

Im never gonna see him again. Im never gonna hear him speak to me again. Im never gonna be able to do things with him. Learn from him. Get advice from him. Laugh with him. Reminisce with him. Hug him.

Never again....

And some days im consumed by all those thoughts, all my memories of him keep coming at me when im not expecting them. It makes me retreat into my mind, shutting myself off from everything...

I hate myself for doing it. it makes me feel cold.

I then let in things that normally wouldnt bother me, like anger, hatred, and jealousy.
And then because I foolishly let them get the better of me and because of that I bother those close to me.

I feel terrible about it when im back to normal. Im so stupid for doing it but I dont know how to prevent myself becoming like that.

Sunday was when I was at my lowest these past few days. I had a really good day with my family. And as soon as I was feeling slightly happy everything started flooding my mind again
I felt awful because he should have been there to enjoy it with us and make it so much better....the head of our family, the foundation, the rock.
Knowing that he's never gonna be there again on days like that as much as every other day...just made me feel numb.
I had to get away for a while, and the only thing that was keeping me going that day was talking to Ashley, and even then I already felt terrible because I had upset her the night before because I went to bed so late when I should have been trying to sleep at a normal time. I hate the fact that I upset her...and I get angry at myself because of it...I shouldnt be making her upset at all. And I got even angrier at myself because I saw a facebook status that she tagged one of her flatmates in and I got jealous...which is ridiculous, I would have thought nothing of it normally but I just let it get to me.

Then I had to just get out of the house for a while, I went to my brothers where we were talking about my Dad, he has alot of photos of my Dad hanging up in his kitchen and its always good to see them when im round his house. We spoke about the good memories we have of him. It was good to talk about him and reminisce of all the good times with him.

I still felt bad though for upsetting Ashley
I dont know how she puts up with me

Ashley makes all the difference though
Im so happy now that im with her
Even though shes in Derby
Im going to go up and see her as much as possible
When I hear her say I love you
It just removes all of those negative feelings
And makes me feel positive again

I really miss her
But I will see her soon

I love her

I hate my sleeping pattern...

Cant get to sleep until at least 2am every night
Im so tired...and its only midnight
But there are too many thoughts running through my head every night

Today was the last time I got to see Ashley before she leaves to start Uni
As usual I barely slept the night before
I was over thinking like I do every night
I really need to stop doing that because it gets me no where and it stops me sleeping

Im just glad I got to see her before she left

I showed her that I can be slightly vulnerable...for which I got the usual response of her calling me a woman

Shes called me it so many times that its practically a compliment (that should annoy her) 

Ive started doing her a video blog, which is much harder to do than typing one because im being put on the spot to say things and im abit of an idiot and as such find it hard to talk on the spot most of the time

Oh well im not the one watching the videos so im not really bothered, if they make her happy then ill do as many as I can (that should annoy her as well)

Shes definitely worth the effort (that one might really annoy her)

I am obviously feeling down because im not going to be seeing her often now, but im not gonna let it get me down for long because it just means that when I do see her that im gonna make sure that its meaningful.

Ive just done a couple of videos for her and im getting abit better at sitting there babbling about things, this is why I love her she gives me reasons to want to make use of all this time I should be sleeping but instead stay awake because im messed up like that.

Everyday

I wake up to the cold realization that your really gone

I'm never going to see you again

I re-live that entire year over in my mind every morning when I wake
I'm so full of anger, full of hate for the disease that takes so many unfairly
I just wish there was something I could have done, anything at all
But instead I was just in shock whenever I thought about it, id retreat

I hate myself for it, I should have been there more, to talk to you, to be with you
But I thought you'd beat it, that everything would be alright
I was just trying to stay positive about it all
And you would never give the impression that it was bothering you, because you were so full of life

Ive spent my whole life wanting to be like you, to be as good a person as you were
And now your gone im so confused, I just want to speak to you again so badly
Whenever anything was bothering me you were the first person id speak to about it
Because you had something to say about everything
Your advice always made me feel so confident, it always gave me hope

I need you in my life now more than ever
There are so many things that I want to talk to you about
So many things that I want to ask you
I need your advice, to feel hopeful again

And above all I wanted you to meet her

After you'd gone, I lost all hope, and all my confidence
You were the greatest thing in my life, what was I supposed to do now your gone

But then I met her, and she noticed me, made the effort to talk to me
I felt my confidence slowly coming back the more I spoke to her
Then as we began to meet in person and our connection grew
I felt that there was still hope after all

The best thing to happen in my life was meeting her
Im hoping now that shes realized just how much she means to me
How she gave me a reason to enjoy life again
I feel so alive when were together

I never thought that I would love someone who would love me in return

Until she came into my life

Pleb

So I spent a few hours last night trying to write a poem for her....it was terrible

And because I fell asleep at 3am I didnt get up til late this morning, whilst she waited she wrote:

Poison entered my viens with intent,
visualization that beheld itself
aloft across my brow created that moment.
Lost within a second, only considered after.
You said to yourself to never forget it.
That it was this that had the most impact.
Centered with your life around.
Till it passes.
You forget.

And it rests hidden inside your memories

That frozen memory encapsulated in paper,
Seemingly impossible the capabilities of the artist.
To create something so fine, or so unrealistic with a single stroke.
Pushed aside, thrown away each one holds the collective feeling.
Had emotion coursing through them.
Despite how similar in style, how exact.
Obvious still the differences are.
So that one day whilst clearing musty area of a room,
you will come across, not just a painting but of a portrayal of past self.

Remembering once who you were.

A.M. Dale

In no time at all!
 
I hate her :P

Flow, my tears, fall from your springs!
Exiled for ever, let me mourn;
Where night's black bird her sad infamy sings,
There let me live forlorn.

Down vain lights, shine you no more!
No nights are dark enough for those
That in despair their lost fortunes deplore.
Light doth but shame disclose.

Never may my woes be relieved,
Since pity is fled;
And tears and sighs and groans my weary days
Of all joys have deprived.

From the highest spire of contentment
My fortune is thrown;
And fear and grief and pain for my deserts
Are my hopes, since hope is gone.

Hark! you shadows that in darkness dwell,
Learn to contemn light
Happy, happy they that in hell
Feel not the world's despite.

Life

My Father was the greatest person I ever knew.
I looked up to him my whole life.
Everything I do is because of what I have learned from him.
I always wanted to be like him, he was loved and respected by all who knew him.
Never once did I hear someone say a bad thing about him.
His philosophy in life was to always to your best, to always help others whenever possible.
He liked things to be done his way, which was usually the right way.
Although he left school when he was only 15 he was the wisest person that Ive ever known. He knew everything and always had the right things to say.
I just wish I had gotten to know him more as I am now. As an adult rather than just his son.
Even when facing death he still made me feel safe.
How could he be so brave, never showed any weakness or vulnerability even during his final days.
I'll never be as good as he was.
He was perfect.
He will always be my hero.
He will always be my Dad

I never though that I would feel happiness again.
To enjoy life again, rather than worry about it.


Until I met her...

For someone so beautiful to notice someone like me and want to be with me, is a miracle.
She is the most beautiful person I have ever met.
She can see the beauty in me that I cannot, I can see hers as clear as daylight, it radiates throughout her.
Her beautiful smile is so comforting, so enlightening.
She is so kind and considerate, she's so down to earth
The way she looks at me when I have said something to annoy her, brings a smile to my face.

It bothers me that she has doubts, I just want to make her as happy as possible.
Because she deserves it.
She is worried about hurting me.

I cant be hurt.
I'm already broken, and she is the one who is making feel whole again.

I dont want to spend my whole life worrying, when I have so much to enjoy in the present.

I get bored at night

Because im nocturnal I have to think of ways to keep myself entertained at night, so I though id watch a scanner darkly a particular favorite film of mine

Its based on a book written by one of my favorite authors Philip.K.Dick of the same name

To trying to sum up the story is quite difficult, but basically the story is set in the near future people are becoming more drug addicted particularly to a new drug called substance D. The protagonist is a man called Bob Archter who works as an undercover narcotics officer however he wears a suit that alters his appearance whilst he works so his identity is unknown and is known only as Fred.

Bob when he isnt working as Fred is a drug addict himself to substance D

One day Fred is asked to investigate a potential drug dealer who is called Bob Archter...

"I'm supposed to act like they arent here, assuming there's a they at all
It may just be my imagination, whatever it is that's watching, its not human
Unlike little dark eyed Donna, it doesn't ever blink
What does a scanner see, into the head, down into the heart, does it see into me, into us
Clearly or darkly
I hope it sees clearly because I can no longer see into myself, I see only murk
I hope for everyone's sake the scanners do better
Because if the scanners see only darkly like the way I do
Then I'm cursed and cursed again, and will only wind up dead this way
Knowing very little, and getting that very little fragment wrong too"

One of my favorite quotes

A poem from Ashley

Looking through documents on my computer I found this poem that she wrote for me

The melody whispers across my soul.
Beat an endless rhythm, chanced as if reflected an existence,
Looking back to a past that had seized to be, yet there he stood.
Those who beauty is first given in turn into those who others despise.
Not for a jealousy but for how ugly personality is perceived.
Not him.
The first for eyes to sweep over. The first that attention does not fall, does not notice the beauty that slowly
raises its head.
You notice how beautiful they are truly as modesty keeps it all within them.
A rarity in this world.

I'm gonna annoy her now, but shes so talented :P

A scattered dream that's like a far-off memory

A far off memory that's like a scattered dream

I want to line the pieces up

Yours and mine

Cellar Door

My first attempt at creative writing

As he lay awake that night the events of times past began to unfold and transition from once memories, into newly formed lucid realities. A new world had been bestowed upon him, images that he had only seen in dreams had now manifested and become fully comprehensible. Now that his surroundings had been established he became eager to explore this vision that had appeared so unexpectedly to him.

Taking his first step into the newly formed world a slow dance of bright blue lights caught his gaze, he followed their brightly emitted hue until they ascended upwards and dispersed into the sky. The sky a once powerful illumination by day, and a aphotic overseer by night now appeared before him as being neither light nor dark, as if day and night had lost their predominance.

He no longer had any sense of ordinary consciousness, he had become enveloped into this astonishing voyage. Time had now become irrelevant, each moment could have lasted a lifetime. As this translucent experience progressed onwards he found himself before a beach, surrounded in a shroud of opal coloured sand. He could see no end to it, as if the beach stretched as far as his mind could comprehend it.

As he sat down, still without questioning the nature of these visions his attention had once again been brought to the sky. Until now the space which had portrayed neither light nor dark had suddenly erupted into a flurry of golden shapes and patterns, they began so swell and vibrate each becoming more enlightening than the last. Until finally a final burst of light immersed the sky into an inexplicable aura.

There was no worry in his mind, no fear. All he felt was comfort, every essence of his being was in awe of the light. This moment in his mind felt eternal, the comforting feeling that the light bestowed was familiar as if it had always been with him. He continued to gaze into the light, but now it began to fade. As if it’s once shining beauty had become masqueraded by doubt.

In his mind he felt as if the light had now become only half of what it once was, a shining beacon of hope had now become astray. The feelings that had previously eluded him now began to surface. Now having been exposed to doubt the nature of what he had once felt began to notice what lay beneath the light and what was forming before him.

Shimmering waves that glistened from the light had begun to slither and sweep away the beach, the bright opal coloured sand was becoming consumed and contaminated by the dark waters of dubiousness until he himself began to feel them consume him. The ever growing ocean continued to rise and the once bright light slowly began to fade all together

In that moment he found himself once again lying awake that night gazing into the rough rounded patterns of his ceiling. A cold sweat, a fast heart, and a head full of questions that would go unanswered. 

He took a deep breath and released an equally great sigh, he began to close his eyes, and although he could not begin to fathom the reasoning for this experience he remained ever vigilant of what would await him the next night.

That was the first attempt at creative writing...which I only did because Ashley wanted me to :) and im glad she made me because I have realized that I really enjoy it.

However I'll never be as good as her, she is a fantastic writer, so creative and elusive

And beautiful :D

 

Im so glad I met her, shes amazing :)