Anxiety

Anxiety you are my worst enemy. Yet you seem to wanna be my best friend with the amount of time you've been spending with me lately. The last week was supposed to be a week for me to look forward to, but instead of celebrating mine and my uncles birthday I get the gift of a massive panic attack. Feeling very uneasy and restless for the rest of the week to top it off with yet another panic attack last night.

Im so tired of this, too much stress with uni this year, too much stress with people this year, and spending too much time in my own head is pushing me to the breaking point mentally and now its getting to me physically too.

Now time to start this week feeling very uncomfortable trying to breathe and very anxious about whats ahead for me. I wish you were still here Dad I doubt id be feeling so weak and helpless and pathetic if you were still here you always made me feel like I was so much more than this.

The last few weeks have been just horrible. And I was back to square one ready to just give up on everything again like before, only this time it felt worse because I thought id got past all of it.

Falling out with family members is never nice, and I caused alot of tension in my family because of it, but I cant forgive her for what she did because it was an act of selfishness that she keeps trying to bullshit her way out of it and im not buying it for one second.

Im glad I got persuaded into going away this week, even if its only one week its time away from there, those people and those ever continuing thoughts of the past that keep me awake at night.

Or maybe im dead

And life as a pig
Is the same thing as hell



































Love that film

Recently

Had an anxiety attack last night. I used to get them often but they were never anything too serious. I guess not sleeping for two days before might have had an influence with this one but it was by far the worse one ive had.

What started as just feeling uncomfortable breathing soon turned into slight panic which became hyperventilating,  something id never done before. Heart racing so fast I thought id end up having a heart attack, breathing so rapidly I couldnt speak.

 Luckily I wasnt alone as I was with two of my best friends Pete and Danielle at the time who really helped me get through it and calm down. It was quite an intense experience and has left me feeling abit shaken up today.

I still cant breathe properly today though its really uncomfortable and makes me worry I could have another attack. I guess thats what I get for not trying to deal with what makes me anxious...

Only got one week left of uni before breaking up for christmas, which is gonna be an odd one this year as all the family are going on holiday and ive decided to stay down here, it'll be a nice break but Ill be busy enough with uni work over the holidays to notice.

NIght thoughts

Fact isnt what you see

Not anymore, what it used to be











Im flowing in blackwater

To another surging sea

sleep?

imsonia's fun, or not I dunno because I never seem to sleep.

With broken fingers I weave life's tapestry
I am in darkness, with no control as to how the cards will fall
I just manage the deck
I morose funk hangs over me, it comes and it goes like the professional harlet

Send in the clowns they said
By all means try it, but do be prepared for the mass of blood and red noses
For I am in no mood for such twisted capers

Like the spring hare, I shall run and run
Knowing the second I stop, if only to catch breath it will all be over
I then become the prey

Even the man built from clay with the strength of seven is of little consequence
As the carpet is ripped from beneath his feet
A stench, as bad as death fills the air, as the desperate lothario enters the shed

With him he brings all the self-assured arrogance of the hangman
Today he is safe, tomorrow he is over

Alone in my bed I revisited the days occurrences, making all the necessary alterations
An apology is weak, a regret is retched

A figure appears on the horizon, as it approaches it begins to take shape
A man, I notice his head looks towards his feet
As if unable to meet my gaze, he looks familiar

Who by shame brings this bad news
It is you, the hangman

Do come in