The last few weeks have been just horrible. And I was back to square one ready to just give up on everything again like before, only this time it felt worse because I thought id got past all of it.

Falling out with family members is never nice, and I caused alot of tension in my family because of it, but I cant forgive her for what she did because it was an act of selfishness that she keeps trying to bullshit her way out of it and im not buying it for one second.

Im glad I got persuaded into going away this week, even if its only one week its time away from there, those people and those ever continuing thoughts of the past that keep me awake at night.

Or maybe im dead

And life as a pig
Is the same thing as hell



































Love that film

Recently

Had an anxiety attack last night. I used to get them often but they were never anything too serious. I guess not sleeping for two days before might have had an influence with this one but it was by far the worse one ive had.

What started as just feeling uncomfortable breathing soon turned into slight panic which became hyperventilating,  something id never done before. Heart racing so fast I thought id end up having a heart attack, breathing so rapidly I couldnt speak.

 Luckily I wasnt alone as I was with two of my best friends Pete and Danielle at the time who really helped me get through it and calm down. It was quite an intense experience and has left me feeling abit shaken up today.

I still cant breathe properly today though its really uncomfortable and makes me worry I could have another attack. I guess thats what I get for not trying to deal with what makes me anxious...

Only got one week left of uni before breaking up for christmas, which is gonna be an odd one this year as all the family are going on holiday and ive decided to stay down here, it'll be a nice break but Ill be busy enough with uni work over the holidays to notice.

NIght thoughts

Fact isnt what you see

Not anymore, what it used to be











Im flowing in blackwater

To another surging sea

sleep?

imsonia's fun, or not I dunno because I never seem to sleep.

With broken fingers I weave life's tapestry
I am in darkness, with no control as to how the cards will fall
I just manage the deck
I morose funk hangs over me, it comes and it goes like the professional harlet

Send in the clowns they said
By all means try it, but do be prepared for the mass of blood and red noses
For I am in no mood for such twisted capers

Like the spring hare, I shall run and run
Knowing the second I stop, if only to catch breath it will all be over
I then become the prey

Even the man built from clay with the strength of seven is of little consequence
As the carpet is ripped from beneath his feet
A stench, as bad as death fills the air, as the desperate lothario enters the shed

With him he brings all the self-assured arrogance of the hangman
Today he is safe, tomorrow he is over

Alone in my bed I revisited the days occurrences, making all the necessary alterations
An apology is weak, a regret is retched

A figure appears on the horizon, as it approaches it begins to take shape
A man, I notice his head looks towards his feet
As if unable to meet my gaze, he looks familiar

Who by shame brings this bad news
It is you, the hangman

Do come in

Just received bad news, one of my most beloved Aunts has lung cancer. Can only hope and pray that it doesnt get too serious.

All those moments will be lost in time, like tears, in the rain

If you follow the connection

You may find yourself back in the real world

A fragmentary passage

Hidden truths

Image of their backs preserved in memory

His heart is stained by darkness

No reason and nowhere to go

Everything is born from sleep

So Alton towers was pretty damn good I must say. Blasted out the park in the first day after quickly getting up there. Got bumped to the nicer hotel for no extra cost. Me and pete spent the entire second day at the park in our onsies so as not to attract too much attention to Chloe and Danielle, hilarious. Winning every basketball related game they had there. Waterpark was awesome, mini golf was a good laugh (won it too). Non stop laughs courtesy of Pete. Quick drive back and a 13 hour sleep last night and feeling fresh. What a great few days away.

And when I got home last night I get told that my brother Simon is coming down on the weekend and is now gonna live here in Newquay. I cant believe it this is amazing, I havent seen him in about a year now and im going to see him nearly every day now. He was fed up living in Manchester with too many bad memories and wanted out. Even with Liam living here things have been much better at home, now Simons coming things are gonna get even better.

Going Alton towers tomorrow with Chloe Pete and Danielle. First chance this year of getting a small break from everything for a few days. Looking forward to it slightly

Time and basketball

Wish I played more basketball over easter, only played a couple of times over the holidays and got a few hours in today.

It's been my first love for so many years that I guess after all the events of this last year i've lost sight of it. I remember the days where I would wake up and get straight to it, id play at least 3 times a day almost everyday.

But now im older and busy I rarely get time to play and it shows. I cant play as much as I could a few years ago and my body is in poor shape and getting injured too much. Now my knees have gotten worn down over the years and i've torn my acl a little its getting to be quite a struggle. Im lucky if I can play more than twice a week now. I used to feel invincible like I could play non-stop, but now I feel quite mortal when I play after I ruined my ankle a few months back and it still causes me pain every now and then, then the knees just cant keep up, every morning I wake up limping waiting for them to get adjusted for the day.

Too many prior commitments have overtaken my time playing the sport I love, I miss the days where I just felt free to play wherever whenever nothing else mattered, id walk a mile to go play at my old school and play for hours. But now if im not spending time with Chloe im doing uni assignments or spending time with the family now Liam has moved in with us. Not that any of these things are bad, Chloe is amazing and I always enjoy spending time with her. Uni is a pain in the ass full stop because this second year has been so hard! but I have such a great group of people there that there's never a dull moment. Things at home are good now Liam's living here, its lowered the tension between me and mother now she has someone else to talk to. I wish I could talk to her more now Dad's gone but im just not a big talker it makes me feel uncomfortable, but shes happy so I cant complain.

After Uni is done for the year im taking a good part of the summer making sure im back on the court everyday getting back to the way I used to be. Otherwise ill probably end up losing my greatest pass time and my greatest passion that ive had for so long.

I am alone
Not just me, were alone.

Alone forever.

And whose at the end of that forever tunnel I run through,
Up the wallpaper with skyscrapers.

I'm thinking after all those beautiful dreams
This is one of those bad ones.

Blah blah blah

Blank blank blank

I tried to remember the person who I used to be

But I just couldnt do it

And so long as I stayed here

I'd never find him again

Unveiled through the life of night, that knows no end

As revealed by orange lights, and a smoky atmosphere

His thoughts protrude and bellow

Through countless clouds of a proposed slow and silent end

Poetry can unleash a terrible fear. I suppose it is the fear of possibilities, too many possibilities, each with its own endless set of variations. It's like looking too closely and too long into a mirror; soon your features distort, then erupt. You look too closely into your poems, or listen too closely to them as they arrive in whispers, and the features inside you call it heart, call it mind, call it soul accelerate out of control. They distort and they erupt, and it is one strange pain. You realize, then, that you can't attempt breaking down too many barriers in too short a time, because there are as many horrors waiting to get in at you as there are parts of yourself pushing to break out, and with the same, or more, fevered determination.

You're growing up

And rain remains on the branches of a tree that will someday rule the Earth.

And it's good that there is rain

It clears the month of your sorry rainbow expressions

And it clears the streets of the silent armies

So we can dance

White ship dissapears into the wave machine this morning

Your eyes got shot with secret chains

The pill armys eventually set free

Like soft horse through toy deserts

I love this mansion

Though its too many windows

To open half way each morning

To close half way each night

Burst into heaven
Kissing the cotton clouds
Arctic sheets and fields of wheat
I can't stop coming down
Your shrunken head
Looking down on me above
Send me home like an elephant stone
To smash my dream of love
Dreaming till the sun goes down
And night turns into day
Rooms are empty I've got plenty
You could move in right away

It seems like there's a hole

In my dreams


Down through the heavens
Choke on the cotton clouds
Arctic sheets and fields of wheat
I can't stop coming down
Your shrunken head
Looking down on me above
Send me home like an elephant stone
To smash my dream of love

Did your bed and bookshelf go
And run run run away
These four walls saw the rise and fall
And your midnight getaway
Seems like there's a hole
In my dreams
Or so it seems
Yet nothing means anything
Anymore

Cant believe that I've met the Genius who wrote this.