Born in your tiny prison cell
A million times smaller than you are
One single drop and you're risen up
Afraid of the dark

You crack up through the pavement
In super, super slow-motion
Though your back is gently breaking
You reach for the light

We can see everything
We can hear everything

Weakness is not your weakness

You are what you grow in to
You're not what you were

The last few days

These last few days, have been abit up and down

Some days. I just cant keep my composure, I get too carried away in my thoughts and I dont quite come out the same.

The night of Febuary 2nd
The night my Dad passed away.

Its been 7 months and 24 days since.

That entire night
That entire day
That entire week
That entire month
That entire year

Are still running through my head every day and night

I might be getting better at thinking of it less in the day, but come night it all comes flooding back.
In a flash my heart gets heavy and my eyes start burning...

I just cant believe it

He's really gone

My mind still cant comprehend it

Im never gonna see him again. Im never gonna hear him speak to me again. Im never gonna be able to do things with him. Learn from him. Get advice from him. Laugh with him. Reminisce with him. Hug him.

Never again....

And some days im consumed by all those thoughts, all my memories of him keep coming at me when im not expecting them. It makes me retreat into my mind, shutting myself off from everything...

I hate myself for doing it. it makes me feel cold.

I then let in things that normally wouldnt bother me, like anger, hatred, and jealousy.
And then because I foolishly let them get the better of me and because of that I bother those close to me.

I feel terrible about it when im back to normal. Im so stupid for doing it but I dont know how to prevent myself becoming like that.

Sunday was when I was at my lowest these past few days. I had a really good day with my family. And as soon as I was feeling slightly happy everything started flooding my mind again
I felt awful because he should have been there to enjoy it with us and make it so much better....the head of our family, the foundation, the rock.
Knowing that he's never gonna be there again on days like that as much as every other day...just made me feel numb.
I had to get away for a while, and the only thing that was keeping me going that day was talking to Ashley, and even then I already felt terrible because I had upset her the night before because I went to bed so late when I should have been trying to sleep at a normal time. I hate the fact that I upset her...and I get angry at myself because of it...I shouldnt be making her upset at all. And I got even angrier at myself because I saw a facebook status that she tagged one of her flatmates in and I got jealous...which is ridiculous, I would have thought nothing of it normally but I just let it get to me.

Then I had to just get out of the house for a while, I went to my brothers where we were talking about my Dad, he has alot of photos of my Dad hanging up in his kitchen and its always good to see them when im round his house. We spoke about the good memories we have of him. It was good to talk about him and reminisce of all the good times with him.

I still felt bad though for upsetting Ashley
I dont know how she puts up with me

Ashley makes all the difference though
Im so happy now that im with her
Even though shes in Derby
Im going to go up and see her as much as possible
When I hear her say I love you
It just removes all of those negative feelings
And makes me feel positive again

I really miss her
But I will see her soon

I love her

I hate my sleeping pattern...

Cant get to sleep until at least 2am every night
Im so tired...and its only midnight
But there are too many thoughts running through my head every night

Today was the last time I got to see Ashley before she leaves to start Uni
As usual I barely slept the night before
I was over thinking like I do every night
I really need to stop doing that because it gets me no where and it stops me sleeping

Im just glad I got to see her before she left

I showed her that I can be slightly vulnerable...for which I got the usual response of her calling me a woman

Shes called me it so many times that its practically a compliment (that should annoy her) 

Ive started doing her a video blog, which is much harder to do than typing one because im being put on the spot to say things and im abit of an idiot and as such find it hard to talk on the spot most of the time

Oh well im not the one watching the videos so im not really bothered, if they make her happy then ill do as many as I can (that should annoy her as well)

Shes definitely worth the effort (that one might really annoy her)

I am obviously feeling down because im not going to be seeing her often now, but im not gonna let it get me down for long because it just means that when I do see her that im gonna make sure that its meaningful.

Ive just done a couple of videos for her and im getting abit better at sitting there babbling about things, this is why I love her she gives me reasons to want to make use of all this time I should be sleeping but instead stay awake because im messed up like that.

Everyday

I wake up to the cold realization that your really gone

I'm never going to see you again

I re-live that entire year over in my mind every morning when I wake
I'm so full of anger, full of hate for the disease that takes so many unfairly
I just wish there was something I could have done, anything at all
But instead I was just in shock whenever I thought about it, id retreat

I hate myself for it, I should have been there more, to talk to you, to be with you
But I thought you'd beat it, that everything would be alright
I was just trying to stay positive about it all
And you would never give the impression that it was bothering you, because you were so full of life

Ive spent my whole life wanting to be like you, to be as good a person as you were
And now your gone im so confused, I just want to speak to you again so badly
Whenever anything was bothering me you were the first person id speak to about it
Because you had something to say about everything
Your advice always made me feel so confident, it always gave me hope

I need you in my life now more than ever
There are so many things that I want to talk to you about
So many things that I want to ask you
I need your advice, to feel hopeful again

And above all I wanted you to meet her

After you'd gone, I lost all hope, and all my confidence
You were the greatest thing in my life, what was I supposed to do now your gone

But then I met her, and she noticed me, made the effort to talk to me
I felt my confidence slowly coming back the more I spoke to her
Then as we began to meet in person and our connection grew
I felt that there was still hope after all

The best thing to happen in my life was meeting her
Im hoping now that shes realized just how much she means to me
How she gave me a reason to enjoy life again
I feel so alive when were together

I never thought that I would love someone who would love me in return

Until she came into my life

Pleb

So I spent a few hours last night trying to write a poem for her....it was terrible

And because I fell asleep at 3am I didnt get up til late this morning, whilst she waited she wrote:

Poison entered my viens with intent,
visualization that beheld itself
aloft across my brow created that moment.
Lost within a second, only considered after.
You said to yourself to never forget it.
That it was this that had the most impact.
Centered with your life around.
Till it passes.
You forget.

And it rests hidden inside your memories

That frozen memory encapsulated in paper,
Seemingly impossible the capabilities of the artist.
To create something so fine, or so unrealistic with a single stroke.
Pushed aside, thrown away each one holds the collective feeling.
Had emotion coursing through them.
Despite how similar in style, how exact.
Obvious still the differences are.
So that one day whilst clearing musty area of a room,
you will come across, not just a painting but of a portrayal of past self.

Remembering once who you were.

A.M. Dale

In no time at all!
 
I hate her :P

Flow, my tears, fall from your springs!
Exiled for ever, let me mourn;
Where night's black bird her sad infamy sings,
There let me live forlorn.

Down vain lights, shine you no more!
No nights are dark enough for those
That in despair their lost fortunes deplore.
Light doth but shame disclose.

Never may my woes be relieved,
Since pity is fled;
And tears and sighs and groans my weary days
Of all joys have deprived.

From the highest spire of contentment
My fortune is thrown;
And fear and grief and pain for my deserts
Are my hopes, since hope is gone.

Hark! you shadows that in darkness dwell,
Learn to contemn light
Happy, happy they that in hell
Feel not the world's despite.