The last few days

These last few days, have been abit up and down

Some days. I just cant keep my composure, I get too carried away in my thoughts and I dont quite come out the same.

The night of Febuary 2nd
The night my Dad passed away.

Its been 7 months and 24 days since.

That entire night
That entire day
That entire week
That entire month
That entire year

Are still running through my head every day and night

I might be getting better at thinking of it less in the day, but come night it all comes flooding back.
In a flash my heart gets heavy and my eyes start burning...

I just cant believe it

He's really gone

My mind still cant comprehend it

Im never gonna see him again. Im never gonna hear him speak to me again. Im never gonna be able to do things with him. Learn from him. Get advice from him. Laugh with him. Reminisce with him. Hug him.

Never again....

And some days im consumed by all those thoughts, all my memories of him keep coming at me when im not expecting them. It makes me retreat into my mind, shutting myself off from everything...

I hate myself for doing it. it makes me feel cold.

I then let in things that normally wouldnt bother me, like anger, hatred, and jealousy.
And then because I foolishly let them get the better of me and because of that I bother those close to me.

I feel terrible about it when im back to normal. Im so stupid for doing it but I dont know how to prevent myself becoming like that.

Sunday was when I was at my lowest these past few days. I had a really good day with my family. And as soon as I was feeling slightly happy everything started flooding my mind again
I felt awful because he should have been there to enjoy it with us and make it so much better....the head of our family, the foundation, the rock.
Knowing that he's never gonna be there again on days like that as much as every other day...just made me feel numb.
I had to get away for a while, and the only thing that was keeping me going that day was talking to Ashley, and even then I already felt terrible because I had upset her the night before because I went to bed so late when I should have been trying to sleep at a normal time. I hate the fact that I upset her...and I get angry at myself because of it...I shouldnt be making her upset at all. And I got even angrier at myself because I saw a facebook status that she tagged one of her flatmates in and I got jealous...which is ridiculous, I would have thought nothing of it normally but I just let it get to me.

Then I had to just get out of the house for a while, I went to my brothers where we were talking about my Dad, he has alot of photos of my Dad hanging up in his kitchen and its always good to see them when im round his house. We spoke about the good memories we have of him. It was good to talk about him and reminisce of all the good times with him.

I still felt bad though for upsetting Ashley
I dont know how she puts up with me

Ashley makes all the difference though
Im so happy now that im with her
Even though shes in Derby
Im going to go up and see her as much as possible
When I hear her say I love you
It just removes all of those negative feelings
And makes me feel positive again

I really miss her
But I will see her soon

I love her