8 months today

Last weekend I was feeling quite down.

These last few days ive been feeling even worse...

Sundays now seem to be a family day,  the idea's good and I enjoy spending time with my family. But at the same time they make me feel awful...
As nice as they seem...the entire time I just cant stop thinking that theres something missing...

And whats missing of course is my Dad. The head of our family
We are never going to be a complete family again now that hes gone. And thats all I think whenever the family is together, I feel horrible for thinking that but its just how I feel about it....

I cant stop thinking about him...I just get more upset with each thought about him...all the happy memories I have of him instantly make me realize im never going to have anymore of them...

He's really gone...I still cant believe it

It was 8 months ago tonight that it happened...

A day ill never forget.

Went up to the hospice to see him in the morning, he had slept well that night Mum said. I spent the whole day there with everyone, in the afternoon 3 of his best friends came to see him.

I then remember sitting with him just for abit it was just me and him...river cottage was on the t.v which was something we always used to watch together, he didnt realize it was on...he could barely see, his eyes were so glazed you could see his pupils anymore.

He couldnt hear well now either...so I remember shouting to him that river cottage was on...he then looked at me and nodded...

I always used to sit and watch t.v with him in the evenings for as long as I can remember, just because I admired him more than anyone I just wanted to sit with him and be around him. I used to watch alot of cookery programmes with him because cooking was one of his favorite things, and he was an amazing cook there wasnt one thing he didnt know how to make. He always liked watching the discovery channel, he would always watch things like globe trekker, blue planet, and anything else they had going, he liked to watch and learn about the world. Those are the things id watch on a sunday with him in the morning or just after dinner. Then I would go out and he would go and sleep for abit. And when id come home he would be downstairs again he would always be there and he'd always say Alright Son.
Im never going to hear him say that again.

But now he was on the way out and he didnt even know what was on the t.v, I just didnt know what to say to him I was so scared...

I just cant stop regretting not saying something more to him...that was the last moment I had with him just the two of us....there were so many things that I wanted to say but I panicked...I just couldnt comprehend the whole situation...that he was in this place to pass on...to die.

Later that afternoon I was sitting in the room with him and a few others. He wanted to get up to go the toilet but he had a tube for that so he didnt have to get up. He didnt realize this and kept trying to get up we all kept telling him he didnt need to move.

Then he just said...for fucks sake

It was something he used to say alot, whenever he'd get annoyed that would be the first thing he'd say...and it was also the last thing I ever heard him say....

Not long after that I was going back home with my brother and my uncle. I remember saying ill see you soon Dad before I left and kissed him on the head as I left.

That was the last time I got to see him while he was still in a conscious state...

After we got home for abit, we got the phonecall saying this is it we need to get back up there now....

When we got there, there he was lying there breathing so heavily. Eyes closed. My Mum by his side holding his hand tears rolling down her eyes...there was another seat so I sat down and held his other hand...the doctors said he had been given a large dose of morphine...each breath he took was slower than the last....you could hear gargling as he was breathing...like he was slowly drowning....and there was nothing else that I could do...that anyone of us could do...but just sit with him and wait for him to go...

I kept saying to him. please let go...you dont need to hold on any longer

I let my brother Simon take my seat after id sat with him for a while. He was in tears sitting there holding his hand...I never cried in front of my Dad about his illness. I wanted to stay strong for him.

I sat in the waiting room for a while...because I knew that he was going and second.....

I should have sat there with him until the end....I feel so pathetic

I was so scared I didnt know what to do...I couldnt face it...seeing him die...I just couldnt do it

I was only out of the room for a minute...then my uncle walked in and just said...hes gone and he broke down as he said it...that was it then everything id held back in front of my Dad just came flooding out....

That was it...my Dad. My idol. My hero. My role model. Was gone...

I went in there to see him one more time....

Ill never forget it...I walked in and he was just lying there...eyes rolled up....I was actually looking at my Dad after he had passed away...I couldn't comprehend it....I was so numb............

I looked at him
I told him I loved him and that he was my hero
And then I kissed him on the head

I walked out...and that was the last I ever saw of the greatest person in my life...