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Merry christmas.

This is my first christmas without my Dad. Its going to be an odd day, but then again it already is as I havent slept, its 4:46am and ive just gotten home.

Tonight has been an odd night indeed, I have realized that im more like you then I ever was before in my life Dad. I have lived life the way you did over the last few months and it has changed my perceptions permenantly.

I really dont look at life the same anymore, I dont know if thats a good or bad thing.

The initial shock of your death was instant, I never even thought about it for months because I knew that if I let it sink in then I would be in trouble. But its what I should have done from the start, I didnt think, my mind was just doing what it had to do to protect me from going overboard....

Little did I know that it would all hit me at the worst possible time....

Having spent a short while off to recover from the shock of your death I went straight back into my studies and managed to pass my first year of university.

Then I went on to have one of the most memorable summers of my life. I had so many good times with friends that I never really thought about it all.

And I met her, who really made me feel valued as a person. And I wanted her to feel the same way she made me feel. But maybe that wasnt what she wanted, I feel that may have scared her away slightly.

It was after the summer had finished, that I started to get hit by the reality that you were really gone. And it was hard, it hurt unbelievably. Then I started to let things slip in my life.

I felt numb, I just didnt know what to think, id spent all those months having such a good time forgetting all about my worries only for it all to hit me like a tidal wave at that time. I just didnt know how to think about it, how to feel about it. It was like nothing id ever felt before, such emptiness. I had to relive all the good memories I had of you just to think at the end that ill never see you again. Its so painful.

Only at that time the person who once made me feel more valued than I ever felt started to drift off. So when I finally went to see her things werent the same, I feel she had realized that she had made a mistake, that she wanted to start a new life without any prior responsibilities from home hanging on causing pressure. And so things were never the same again.

I left that place confused and hurt. I got back home to see one of my best friends before she left to start a new life also in a new place. I spent alot of time talking to her about everything that had happened and she had alot of advice to give.

Then I got home, where things would take another unexpected turn. I spoke with my mum about things, then we got to speaking about you. Then she told me the whole truth. That you were in fact diagnosed as having terminal cancer right from the start.  That all the chemo and radiotherapy treatment you had were just to delay the inevitable. You werent expected to make it a few months, but you made it for almost a year and a half. That because you were the strongest person I knew.

But having been told this, so many thoughts ran through my head at that time. But all I felt was anger, sadness, and above all regret. Regret that had I known this from the start I could have made more of an effort with you, to really let you know how important you were to me, how much I admired and looked up to you, how you were my hero. That you made me the person I am today, and how much I loved you.

I know you didnt want me or Rory to know because it would have upset you, and that you wanted us to act normal around you.

But after all that time, seeing you in and out of hospital, seeing you waste away all in the meantime thinking yeah your gonna beat this no problem. Only to feel like id been lied to, I could have spent so much time with you getting to know you more and showing you that I had grown up and matured as a person. I could have got to known you as the adult I am today.

But I never did.

And all of this to happen the night I return home broken inside from seeing her.

It was too much to take. I couldnt handle all of it, and it drove me mad.

So then I started on the anti-depressants. And they just make you feel awful at first. the first few weeks make you feel a whole lot worse that you already feel, some cure eh...

After the first month I was tired of feeling so bad. I told the doctors that they werent working so they told me it takes about 6 weeks for them to take effect. So im thinking why give me a months worth then...

So now ive just about finished my second month. and nope dont feel much different, some days are slightly better than others. But not many.

Why did all of this have to happen, I lost you, I was confused, I met her, things seemed to be good again, the realization of your passing began to sink in I was down, I went to see her for her to tell me she basically didnt want me anymore, I was hurt and more confused than ever. I get home to find out all that ive just explained.

Its fucking hard to deal with all that at once. And I dont think I dealt with it well, I really dont. But then ive realized that the ways ive been trying to deal with all of this, are ways that you would have too, and I dont feel as bad for that.

Because ive always wanted to live life the way you did.

I'll always love you Dad, you were the greatest, Hope you have a good Christmas wherever you are.